This was a letter that I wrote almost 2 years ago just before my mums birthday. I did post it on my old blog but I thought it was worth looking at again.
Happy Birthday Mum
I cannot believe that tomorrow would be your 60th birthday. I miss you, every day, but on days like this I miss you even more. I still cry every now and then, especially recently. It’s been almost 7 and a half years since you died and the time has passed so quickly. So many things have happened that I wish I could tell you about. I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve wished I could call you and have a chat like we used to. There are so many events that you’ve missed that I wished you could have been a part of, other than watching from a far. I don’t doubt that you're still about. There are times that I can feel your presence even stronger than usual, but it’s not the same, no matter what anyone says.
Every little girl wants to go shopping with her mum for her wedding dress. It’s not exactly what I got. However you were there, I know this. I bought dawn and I a locket for your funeral. I’ve got the very first picture we had taken together in it. I wear it pretty much every single day without fail, taking it off and putting it on bedside cabinet in the evening and putting it on after getting out of the shower. However about three weeks before the dress hunting began I couldn’t find it. No matter where I looked it wasn’t to be found. Saying I was gutted is a complete understatement. On the morning of the appointments I stretched out my arms, and lo and behold I touched the locket. I couldn’t believe it. Id searched there goodness knows how many times. I guess there was no way you weren’t going to be involved.
On the wedding day itself you were literally with me every step of the way. Dawn bought me my something blue, an anklet with three blue beads. I attached the locket onto it. It was an emotional day for everyone involved and just as Dawn had had to do before me, I had to go through the day without you. It was also a time when we had a lot of family come down, and you know that’s not something that happens often. The day was as perfect as it could have been. The weather held out. I didn’t cry. What’s probably more amazing is that I didn’t spill a single thing down my dress. You know how messy I can be...
I really wish you could have met Paul. I finally think I’ve found someone that you’d actually like. He loves me more than anyone I’ve known. He is kind and caring. We make each other laugh. We get on so well and love spending time with each other. He’s my best friend and I guess you can’t ask for much more than that...
You would be so proud of Dawn. She has turned into the most amazing person. We have always been close but since that hogmanay we have become even closer. I love her to bits and wouldn’t be without her. Her and Michael are like a comedy duo. They work so well together, although I think when Dawn and I get together we drive Paul and Michael crazy...
I know, as someone who has suffered themselves, you’ll be pleased to know I’ve got my confidence back, well am well on my way to it. I still struggle with my weight but I am slowly feeling happy in my own skin. Turning 30 has been one of the best things that have ever happened to me.
I’m a very lucky girl all in all. I have the most amazing friends in the world. I’m married to a wonderful man. We have Dougal who you’d love. For the moment he is a surrogate child and if we are lucky enough to have some real children we will be proud for them to have Catherine as a middle name. If it’s a girl obviously, would be a bit weird if it were a boy. They will be shown pictures and told stories of the wonderful grandmother they will sadly never meet. I hope that I can be half the mother you were.
I know that you didn’t have an easy life before you had us. I know things weren’t easy *after* you had us. Someone once said what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I know that that isn’t always true either. You never had an easy life but I respect you for not letting it affect how much you loved us. You were over protective and it drove me nuts. You were argumentative and stubborn. You could be the most frustrating woman in the world (thank goodness I have none of your stubbornness!!!) but I never for one second doubted that you loved us. Mum, I love you, I miss you and I will do for the rest of my life. You may not have been a perfect mother, but you were perfect for me. There will never be another like you.
Please remember I will never forget you. I hope every day that you look down on me that I will make you proud. So tomorrow I’ll buy a helium balloon with a massive big 60 on it, attach this letter to it, let go and hope it makes its way to heaven.
With love,
Forever and for always,
Louise
xxx
